"Just"

I told Janet that I like to think that you are still with us. Don't know whether me saying this is helping her or making things worse but it certainly feels better to think that you are still with us.

She asked "how I managed to do that?" By remembering you in the house; walking up the stairs saying bye bye to us, hearing you talking to grandma in her room, seeing you snacking at the couch watching TV and whenever there's a rainbow up in the sky...you are there, watching us.

I also wish for you to be in your room with 'A', so that he won't be so lonely sleeping at night and will have someone to talk to when he needs one.

Many good news to tell you...the last project you worked on, even on the Saturday before your accident, the Iran project. We got the project and the client did not even negotiate a single cent cause they know it was the last project you worked on and that you have given us the final approval to go ahead proposing. They respect and they understand.

Remember the Maybank IPS project that we worked on and KIV 2 years ago? They awarded us the contract and more to come. You were so dissappointed at that time thinking that we might not get it since is being KIV. Now, we have gotten it, I just do not know how to break the good news to you except by staring at the sky to spot for a rainbow, and tell you so.

Everyone is so sad when you met with the accident, the family and at work place. I've been holding my tears and hiding my sorrow, just not to make the situation worse. I was glad there was aday that 'A' asked me, "how am I taking it". I told him that I like to think that you are still around, and there's no need to forget. Helene asked me the same thing too, over chat. I told him that whenever I saw a biker passes by, how I hope it is you.

Xavier via ' Sitting Duck', wrote on Janet's wall "letting her know that they are in Penang". I like the post, not because I'm trying to be funny, it is because there's no harm hearing from you from time to time. Messages were sent to your BB on your birthday...See, to them, you are still with them. People are getting calls from you, thanks to 'Xavier'. And 'A' said, we can avoid that by changing the caller ID, but as I've said " there's no harm hearing from you from time to time.

Thanks for being so different, someone that we don't see often...or so far there's no one like you.

what to write for today?

i only have 30 minutes on this page, got to fetch sis soon from work.

ok, couples of things I wish to put up on my FB status but never dare to, since so many mutual friends know he's my partner.

1) "what is it like to go on a date?"
2) "how would you feel when your partner is out with someone else - dating?"
3) "simple things that cheer me up"
4) "i feel loved"

Has it been from worse to worst or from bad to good? No answer! All I know is that, there's nothing I can do, I can't stop him from seeking his happiness elsewhere, no matter what I do or all that I've tried, he's not interested.

Being lonely together, a good one. I never thought of it eventhough I'm experiencing it. He is always good at describing things.

I told my close friend that Tristan is all I have, she replied saying "not true, you have friends, family, work, and maybe one day a partner that will walk with me till old, and you have me (Linda)". Thanks, Linda. I'm touched! Oh no, I'm in tears again.

Choice

You made your choice.
You choose to sacrifice me for your trip, for your fun and for her.

It was all planned, you both have planned it to not include me
How cruel!

Is sad to know that your perfect weekend is one that is without me by your side
You used to say, your perfect weekend is being with the one you love no matter what you are doing
Is sad to know that I'm not your love one.

Dreaming of you

I had a real short dream the other night, couple of seconds maybe
I dreamt that you were sleeping next to us
I was so happy, that I woke up from my dream to make sure that you are actually there
But you were not

Smile - thinking that you are next to us
Cry - knowing that it was just a dream
Smile again - thinking how silly I am for being so naive
When can I have you back?

Stitch of Love

Each stitch that I needled
Is a stich of my love for us
There are mistakes made along the way
It can be corrected, patched, or even worked around it
No matter whether it works or not
The final outcome will comfort me anyhow.

dream

is okay to dream, girl. as long as you know how to wake up from it. Apr 09 - jan 2011, not a short dream, 1 year and 8 months, i have you for this long. thank you.

i understand that in order to fall in love, both needs to click. we have not even click, but have skip the in love stage to having our kid. you once said this is more than or more meaningful than a chinese tea ceremony and all that couples need to go through to get married. more realistic. i like the way you say it. remember the time you told me about your flight from US to Iran, you told the passenger next to you that you miss home cause your wife is expecting. you put it this way, afraid the poor fellow's mom would have a heart attack if you say your girlfriend is expecting. I love how you say it.

I miss the farms we worked on. we'll plow and harvest for each other. but your farm has been left unattended for a long long time. i've been watering your flowers to make sure they bloom always. i like the 'ALY' plowed grounds in your farm. it is plowed out of love. Thanks! I search for you in FB everyday, just like before, try to know more about you, but you are not doing the same on me, like you used to, I guess you are not interested on keeping track on me. I see that she's back on your wall, like before. you like that, don't you? you like the things she wrote and posted on your wall. different treatment, ya. you must have hate me so much to the extend of blocking me in FB.

you have found the one who clicks well with you, infact you found her 3 or 4 years back. go for it, you idiot if she's coming back for you. you both are right for each other. I understand. I wish you all the happiness in the world, i want to see you happy again.

Normally I'll write and mail you what's on my mind, but this time i prefer writing it here, cause you do not need to know about all these, and i think you do not want to hear from me anymore.

thanks for all that you've done for me and Tristan, you have taken good care of me during my confinement. At that time, you show me that you are a good father and husband to be.

Sorry that I was not whom you expected me to be. I told you from the start, I'm not like her and will never be like her, but you said, you do not want me to be like her, someone that breaks your heart so badly.

I can't be your dive companion. real sorry for this, but i would very much like to be the one waiting for you at the beach when you return from your dives. I want to be your dive computer to ensure your safety, and be your G11, to explore the underwater world with you.
:( can you feel me there with you?

take care ya, I'll be strong and should be able to manage. need not to worry about me. love you always, yan.

new year

is really a new beginning. he has said it.. is not easy being with me, he finds me unreasonable, and he's really really upset when talking to me. pretty clear that he wants to end this. i got to be strong, is a tough road ahead of me.

he can now use the same line for us, the line he once used for rose "we are not right for each other". I can now use the same line he used for Karen, "he dump me fast".