dream

is okay to dream, girl. as long as you know how to wake up from it. Apr 09 - jan 2011, not a short dream, 1 year and 8 months, i have you for this long. thank you.

i understand that in order to fall in love, both needs to click. we have not even click, but have skip the in love stage to having our kid. you once said this is more than or more meaningful than a chinese tea ceremony and all that couples need to go through to get married. more realistic. i like the way you say it. remember the time you told me about your flight from US to Iran, you told the passenger next to you that you miss home cause your wife is expecting. you put it this way, afraid the poor fellow's mom would have a heart attack if you say your girlfriend is expecting. I love how you say it.

I miss the farms we worked on. we'll plow and harvest for each other. but your farm has been left unattended for a long long time. i've been watering your flowers to make sure they bloom always. i like the 'ALY' plowed grounds in your farm. it is plowed out of love. Thanks! I search for you in FB everyday, just like before, try to know more about you, but you are not doing the same on me, like you used to, I guess you are not interested on keeping track on me. I see that she's back on your wall, like before. you like that, don't you? you like the things she wrote and posted on your wall. different treatment, ya. you must have hate me so much to the extend of blocking me in FB.

you have found the one who clicks well with you, infact you found her 3 or 4 years back. go for it, you idiot if she's coming back for you. you both are right for each other. I understand. I wish you all the happiness in the world, i want to see you happy again.

Normally I'll write and mail you what's on my mind, but this time i prefer writing it here, cause you do not need to know about all these, and i think you do not want to hear from me anymore.

thanks for all that you've done for me and Tristan, you have taken good care of me during my confinement. At that time, you show me that you are a good father and husband to be.

Sorry that I was not whom you expected me to be. I told you from the start, I'm not like her and will never be like her, but you said, you do not want me to be like her, someone that breaks your heart so badly.

I can't be your dive companion. real sorry for this, but i would very much like to be the one waiting for you at the beach when you return from your dives. I want to be your dive computer to ensure your safety, and be your G11, to explore the underwater world with you.
:( can you feel me there with you?

take care ya, I'll be strong and should be able to manage. need not to worry about me. love you always, yan.

new year

is really a new beginning. he has said it.. is not easy being with me, he finds me unreasonable, and he's really really upset when talking to me. pretty clear that he wants to end this. i got to be strong, is a tough road ahead of me.

he can now use the same line for us, the line he once used for rose "we are not right for each other". I can now use the same line he used for Karen, "he dump me fast".

cold

feeling real cold here. still remember our first time here. just the two of us. it was so warm with your love and we had our first kiss before heading home. now, waiting for you to keep me warm, which will never happen. i don't think you even realise that i'm feeling cold, even if you do, you wouldn't love me enough to keep me warm.

Merry Christmas

We miss you on this special day. From now on, Alex will have to cut the turkey by himself. We miss having you around to finish up the food. We miss your smile :)

It has been real busy at work for the past two weeks. And have been excited over the Christmas celebration, as there were so many activities going on; eve party at home with friends and family, Silvan's Christmas open house that we have missed this year, bluekey's birthday dinner at Milwalkie, Yee Yin's open house that we have missed too, Cay Vern's full moon party. All over now.

Wanted to write on Christmas eve when I woke up at 2am and found you not sleeping beside us. But the site was not accessible. Busy I guess or system is down. You were too hook up with your blackberry and the TV downstairs. Feeling cold and lonely on this silent night, eventhough I have Tristan sleeping right beside me. Seeing you smiling at your blackberry and had your attention on it instead of us, makes me feel like throwing the phone away.

It is because of Aunt Karen is back to SG, and complaining about her parents nagging her about this and that.

But thanks for being with us for the past few days, spending so much time with us. I remembered the gift that I gave you last Christmas. A book I made out of the lovely poems and songs we exchanges. This Christmas, I printed sketches of you, your happiness with aunt karen and pictures of janny. hope it will bring back happy memories to you whenever you take a look at this album. Really, have not seen you so happy, the happy face you have in those pics. never seen such happy face before throughout our relationship. Poor thing!

Aunty Kun Ning went back to Ipoh this morning. I bet Tristan will be missing her alot and she'll misses Tristan too. Hope she'll change her mind and come back to stay with us. Tristan loves you lots lots, aunty 'yee poh'.

Aunt Rose is visiting today. Poor papa have to figure out how to hide prints of Tristan. Is it a merry christmas after all? Not really. Will this be and do for all Christmas to come? :(

he's bored

he's bored at home, and bored with me. sorry that i can't be like them, join you in your activities, your dives. talk the way you do, with intellectual, so knowledgeable, which i don't have much. you do make me feel stupid, and always said I don't listen. I listened but i just want to try my way of doing things.

is not the same anymore. you used to let me know the appointments you have to go to, the people you got to meet, and where you are going. but for the past couple of months, i know nothing. so i wouldn't know whether you are seeing her or not, maybe during lunch time and after work. i was at DU for an appointment, i was so afraid that I'll bump into you guys there. knowing her office is there, too. maybe you guys had lunch together all the time and spend time chatting over drinks.

you used to love having me around, not a day without me, you used to love my smile, but now is like real annoying to you. why are you not talking to me, but talk to someone else?

I adore you

you look so smart today. and I'm actually admiring your talk, the way you speak, so clear and with confident. you look so smart in your suit, even better in your biking jacket. I adore you.

I'm so lucky to have you. can't really believe that you are the guy i get to be with at home, at night. is like being with a superstar. like dream come true? girls sure envy me, the lucky one.

Grace said, good stuff will have lots of competition. other girls have their eyes on you too. they want you too. i have to cope with this if I'm not letting go. Will you let me hold on tight to you? Is nice to even stand next to you and be with you all the time provided you don't scold me.

i wonder whether me being there for your talk helps or not. do you feel comfortable with me around?

pain

there's so many questions left unanswered. maybe because you know the answers will cause me pain. why does life has to be so painful? The pain will continue on torturing me as long as you don't put a stop to it. i woke up in the middle of the night, crying. crying and thinking how can i stop this pain. and the only way to end this pain, is to end my life. i've been through so much in life, never have this idea crosses my mind. but i can't help it this time. luckily i've other things to stop me from thinking about it. staring at my baby fast asleep. what's gonna happen to him if i'm no longer around?

a night out with your friends turn out ok. but the ride was different. you used to hold my hand when we stopped at traffic lights, which make me feel so precious to you. you would care whether the wind will blow my hair till tangling. but last night, you couldn't give a damn.

is just not the same anymore. I'm no longer special to you. it is not my face or smile that you long for, but her's.

I can't find you and us in FB. We are in no relation at all. I envy those fathers who can publicly announce that their wives gave birth to their lovely baby. I envy those who can publicly show their love for their love ones. but you can't, you won't and these things don't matter to you.