cold

feeling real cold here. still remember our first time here. just the two of us. it was so warm with your love and we had our first kiss before heading home. now, waiting for you to keep me warm, which will never happen. i don't think you even realise that i'm feeling cold, even if you do, you wouldn't love me enough to keep me warm.

Merry Christmas

We miss you on this special day. From now on, Alex will have to cut the turkey by himself. We miss having you around to finish up the food. We miss your smile :)

It has been real busy at work for the past two weeks. And have been excited over the Christmas celebration, as there were so many activities going on; eve party at home with friends and family, Silvan's Christmas open house that we have missed this year, bluekey's birthday dinner at Milwalkie, Yee Yin's open house that we have missed too, Cay Vern's full moon party. All over now.

Wanted to write on Christmas eve when I woke up at 2am and found you not sleeping beside us. But the site was not accessible. Busy I guess or system is down. You were too hook up with your blackberry and the TV downstairs. Feeling cold and lonely on this silent night, eventhough I have Tristan sleeping right beside me. Seeing you smiling at your blackberry and had your attention on it instead of us, makes me feel like throwing the phone away.

It is because of Aunt Karen is back to SG, and complaining about her parents nagging her about this and that.

But thanks for being with us for the past few days, spending so much time with us. I remembered the gift that I gave you last Christmas. A book I made out of the lovely poems and songs we exchanges. This Christmas, I printed sketches of you, your happiness with aunt karen and pictures of janny. hope it will bring back happy memories to you whenever you take a look at this album. Really, have not seen you so happy, the happy face you have in those pics. never seen such happy face before throughout our relationship. Poor thing!

Aunty Kun Ning went back to Ipoh this morning. I bet Tristan will be missing her alot and she'll misses Tristan too. Hope she'll change her mind and come back to stay with us. Tristan loves you lots lots, aunty 'yee poh'.

Aunt Rose is visiting today. Poor papa have to figure out how to hide prints of Tristan. Is it a merry christmas after all? Not really. Will this be and do for all Christmas to come? :(

he's bored

he's bored at home, and bored with me. sorry that i can't be like them, join you in your activities, your dives. talk the way you do, with intellectual, so knowledgeable, which i don't have much. you do make me feel stupid, and always said I don't listen. I listened but i just want to try my way of doing things.

is not the same anymore. you used to let me know the appointments you have to go to, the people you got to meet, and where you are going. but for the past couple of months, i know nothing. so i wouldn't know whether you are seeing her or not, maybe during lunch time and after work. i was at DU for an appointment, i was so afraid that I'll bump into you guys there. knowing her office is there, too. maybe you guys had lunch together all the time and spend time chatting over drinks.

you used to love having me around, not a day without me, you used to love my smile, but now is like real annoying to you. why are you not talking to me, but talk to someone else?

I adore you

you look so smart today. and I'm actually admiring your talk, the way you speak, so clear and with confident. you look so smart in your suit, even better in your biking jacket. I adore you.

I'm so lucky to have you. can't really believe that you are the guy i get to be with at home, at night. is like being with a superstar. like dream come true? girls sure envy me, the lucky one.

Grace said, good stuff will have lots of competition. other girls have their eyes on you too. they want you too. i have to cope with this if I'm not letting go. Will you let me hold on tight to you? Is nice to even stand next to you and be with you all the time provided you don't scold me.

i wonder whether me being there for your talk helps or not. do you feel comfortable with me around?

pain

there's so many questions left unanswered. maybe because you know the answers will cause me pain. why does life has to be so painful? The pain will continue on torturing me as long as you don't put a stop to it. i woke up in the middle of the night, crying. crying and thinking how can i stop this pain. and the only way to end this pain, is to end my life. i've been through so much in life, never have this idea crosses my mind. but i can't help it this time. luckily i've other things to stop me from thinking about it. staring at my baby fast asleep. what's gonna happen to him if i'm no longer around?

a night out with your friends turn out ok. but the ride was different. you used to hold my hand when we stopped at traffic lights, which make me feel so precious to you. you would care whether the wind will blow my hair till tangling. but last night, you couldn't give a damn.

is just not the same anymore. I'm no longer special to you. it is not my face or smile that you long for, but her's.

I can't find you and us in FB. We are in no relation at all. I envy those fathers who can publicly announce that their wives gave birth to their lovely baby. I envy those who can publicly show their love for their love ones. but you can't, you won't and these things don't matter to you.

i bet

i bet you won't be home before us. the moment you walk out of the office, the question pops up. will you be seeing her later today? when you are not home when we reaches home, i really wanted to text you and ask 'where's dear?' what's the point of asking? do i really want to know the answer? will you be home for dinner? are you having dinner with her? how many times I got to cry for this?

she's indeed very beautiful. i bet you want to see her everyday. her sweet smile and pretty eyes. compared to mine, a sad face and eyes full of tears. :(

the phone is locked. there's so much to hide. the on going you got to hide from me. can't you show me something that says it's over?

sad2

why does life has to be so sad? you said is the last time, you got to make the sms and phone calls stop. but you go and see her again. you let me down again. how am i going to trust you? you will see her again and again with all sorts of excuses. what can i do about it? maybe that's what you have in mind, there's nothing i can or will do about it, might as well continue on.

do you know how sad I am? how possibly that i can trust you again, how possibly you can give me happiness? you don't care, right? you just do what you feel like doing and not care for my feelings. so cruel!

she looks so sweet and beautiful, but now i see how ugly she can be. don't you see it? love is blind, you don't see it. the worst you can say is that she's being moody. but i see someone real ugly deep inside and fierce.

how can she not care about my feelings? she has hurt me, and still can accuses me for things and dislike me. i should be the one who dislike her for breaking up my family. but she can turn it the other way round and make herself the victim.

obvious

it's so obvious that she wrote this and telling herself this.

and is obvious that it also tells what she wants from you. she wants you to love her, she wants to be the one sleeping next to you every night, she wants to have a kid with you, and she is hoping that you are not playing her. it is so obvious. but you don't see it.

you have said the last time, was the last time you are seeing her and i hope she is not using this and trick you into seeing her again. Cause you promised you gonna stop this and had ended it the last time.

what is she going to do next? so scary. all these messages are damaging our relationship, making you have doubts in me. and you seem to trust her very much. i still think she created all these, i know is not right to accuse, but there's actually no one else will do such thing.

thanks for your love last night, dear. i love you, too. i want this relationship to last, till the end of my life, your life, or our lives.