cold

feeling real cold here. still remember our first time here. just the two of us. it was so warm with your love and we had our first kiss before heading home. now, waiting for you to keep me warm, which will never happen. i don't think you even realise that i'm feeling cold, even if you do, you wouldn't love me enough to keep me warm.

Merry Christmas

We miss you on this special day. From now on, Alex will have to cut the turkey by himself. We miss having you around to finish up the food. We miss your smile :)

It has been real busy at work for the past two weeks. And have been excited over the Christmas celebration, as there were so many activities going on; eve party at home with friends and family, Silvan's Christmas open house that we have missed this year, bluekey's birthday dinner at Milwalkie, Yee Yin's open house that we have missed too, Cay Vern's full moon party. All over now.

Wanted to write on Christmas eve when I woke up at 2am and found you not sleeping beside us. But the site was not accessible. Busy I guess or system is down. You were too hook up with your blackberry and the TV downstairs. Feeling cold and lonely on this silent night, eventhough I have Tristan sleeping right beside me. Seeing you smiling at your blackberry and had your attention on it instead of us, makes me feel like throwing the phone away.

It is because of Aunt Karen is back to SG, and complaining about her parents nagging her about this and that.

But thanks for being with us for the past few days, spending so much time with us. I remembered the gift that I gave you last Christmas. A book I made out of the lovely poems and songs we exchanges. This Christmas, I printed sketches of you, your happiness with aunt karen and pictures of janny. hope it will bring back happy memories to you whenever you take a look at this album. Really, have not seen you so happy, the happy face you have in those pics. never seen such happy face before throughout our relationship. Poor thing!

Aunty Kun Ning went back to Ipoh this morning. I bet Tristan will be missing her alot and she'll misses Tristan too. Hope she'll change her mind and come back to stay with us. Tristan loves you lots lots, aunty 'yee poh'.

Aunt Rose is visiting today. Poor papa have to figure out how to hide prints of Tristan. Is it a merry christmas after all? Not really. Will this be and do for all Christmas to come? :(

he's bored

he's bored at home, and bored with me. sorry that i can't be like them, join you in your activities, your dives. talk the way you do, with intellectual, so knowledgeable, which i don't have much. you do make me feel stupid, and always said I don't listen. I listened but i just want to try my way of doing things.

is not the same anymore. you used to let me know the appointments you have to go to, the people you got to meet, and where you are going. but for the past couple of months, i know nothing. so i wouldn't know whether you are seeing her or not, maybe during lunch time and after work. i was at DU for an appointment, i was so afraid that I'll bump into you guys there. knowing her office is there, too. maybe you guys had lunch together all the time and spend time chatting over drinks.

you used to love having me around, not a day without me, you used to love my smile, but now is like real annoying to you. why are you not talking to me, but talk to someone else?

I adore you

you look so smart today. and I'm actually admiring your talk, the way you speak, so clear and with confident. you look so smart in your suit, even better in your biking jacket. I adore you.

I'm so lucky to have you. can't really believe that you are the guy i get to be with at home, at night. is like being with a superstar. like dream come true? girls sure envy me, the lucky one.

Grace said, good stuff will have lots of competition. other girls have their eyes on you too. they want you too. i have to cope with this if I'm not letting go. Will you let me hold on tight to you? Is nice to even stand next to you and be with you all the time provided you don't scold me.

i wonder whether me being there for your talk helps or not. do you feel comfortable with me around?

pain

there's so many questions left unanswered. maybe because you know the answers will cause me pain. why does life has to be so painful? The pain will continue on torturing me as long as you don't put a stop to it. i woke up in the middle of the night, crying. crying and thinking how can i stop this pain. and the only way to end this pain, is to end my life. i've been through so much in life, never have this idea crosses my mind. but i can't help it this time. luckily i've other things to stop me from thinking about it. staring at my baby fast asleep. what's gonna happen to him if i'm no longer around?

a night out with your friends turn out ok. but the ride was different. you used to hold my hand when we stopped at traffic lights, which make me feel so precious to you. you would care whether the wind will blow my hair till tangling. but last night, you couldn't give a damn.

is just not the same anymore. I'm no longer special to you. it is not my face or smile that you long for, but her's.

I can't find you and us in FB. We are in no relation at all. I envy those fathers who can publicly announce that their wives gave birth to their lovely baby. I envy those who can publicly show their love for their love ones. but you can't, you won't and these things don't matter to you.

i bet

i bet you won't be home before us. the moment you walk out of the office, the question pops up. will you be seeing her later today? when you are not home when we reaches home, i really wanted to text you and ask 'where's dear?' what's the point of asking? do i really want to know the answer? will you be home for dinner? are you having dinner with her? how many times I got to cry for this?

she's indeed very beautiful. i bet you want to see her everyday. her sweet smile and pretty eyes. compared to mine, a sad face and eyes full of tears. :(

the phone is locked. there's so much to hide. the on going you got to hide from me. can't you show me something that says it's over?

sad2

why does life has to be so sad? you said is the last time, you got to make the sms and phone calls stop. but you go and see her again. you let me down again. how am i going to trust you? you will see her again and again with all sorts of excuses. what can i do about it? maybe that's what you have in mind, there's nothing i can or will do about it, might as well continue on.

do you know how sad I am? how possibly that i can trust you again, how possibly you can give me happiness? you don't care, right? you just do what you feel like doing and not care for my feelings. so cruel!

she looks so sweet and beautiful, but now i see how ugly she can be. don't you see it? love is blind, you don't see it. the worst you can say is that she's being moody. but i see someone real ugly deep inside and fierce.

how can she not care about my feelings? she has hurt me, and still can accuses me for things and dislike me. i should be the one who dislike her for breaking up my family. but she can turn it the other way round and make herself the victim.

obvious

it's so obvious that she wrote this and telling herself this.

and is obvious that it also tells what she wants from you. she wants you to love her, she wants to be the one sleeping next to you every night, she wants to have a kid with you, and she is hoping that you are not playing her. it is so obvious. but you don't see it.

you have said the last time, was the last time you are seeing her and i hope she is not using this and trick you into seeing her again. Cause you promised you gonna stop this and had ended it the last time.

what is she going to do next? so scary. all these messages are damaging our relationship, making you have doubts in me. and you seem to trust her very much. i still think she created all these, i know is not right to accuse, but there's actually no one else will do such thing.

thanks for your love last night, dear. i love you, too. i want this relationship to last, till the end of my life, your life, or our lives.

little surprises

thanks, dear. i always love the little surprises you give. "morning, love you!" "love you, too", i replied with a smile.

hope it keeps on going. i feel better now. i know you mean it. got to pen down this moment. woke up at 4.30 in the morning, wish to do a little surfing before going back to bed, and there my notebook went missing. ehmmm...hubby took it? he must have mistaken it for his, but he's too smart to make such mistake. A surprise, silly girl! a little note typed into a text box and read "MORNING. LOVE YOU!". took it a while to pop up. is worth waiting. but i just spoil the surprise. suppose to see it at work. but is ok, I was surprised and shy to even look at his face, i just reply the same with a smile and walk away. :)

is snowing in London, early white christmas, maybe. still remember the 1st time, how it looks like when i wake up on a winter morning, and saw the white. everything is white, covered by snow, the roof, the car, the street....is beautiful. too bad, there weren't much pictures taken back then, a few but all blur case...invention of digital camera was not quick enough for me to capture this moment. will I have a chance to capture this moment with you, and with our baby? :) it will be real sweet. 'A sweet little family'.

so sexy today

dress to kill. dress just to get your attention or dress just in case to be compared if we meet, hoping I'm not too far from her beauty.

thank you for the compliment. it does mean alot. I've got your attention at least. but i don't feel comfortable in this outfit. is just not me.

how to love someone, who doesn't love me? teach me how.

trust, how to trust again? you have done nothing to gain my trust. please do something for me. stop seeing her, tell her off, say that you love me. please!

sad

is time to write again. wrote quite a bit in a mail, sent, but no reply. have checked the inbox every hour, then every day but still no reply. wondering whether he gets what I mean, and how come he has nothing to say back to me?

it is so obvious that my feelings are not cared for. what am I doing here again? the question asked twice but not answered. Should I treat it as a 'Yes'. Please not. I can't take it. I thought I'm strong especially with my little baby here with me, he can make me strong but I'm just too weak to fight this battle.

what really matters to him? the trill, the excitement...there's so much to blame on "why is my life so complicated' he said. it can be real smooth and calm but you choose the other way. what should i do. waiting to be loved?

when you dislike someone, everything she does, is real annoying. everything she says is not right. when you found something new, it is always interesting and you want more.

i don't wish to show a sad face, but is not easy to put up a smile either. after all that has happened. which side are you on? which side your heart tells you to go with? we don't mean much to you? you have never wanted us. why are we still here?

you find it exciting, real challenging, but for me, its not fun at all. it hurts and i'm in so much pain.

A Grand FINALE

wanted to write this couple of days ago...delay it knowing that it will take up a lot of time and need to organise the content cause I've bits here and there, thinking how to put it all together into this piece.

a grand one is how it ended. we'll remember you at your 38 of age. we'll never get to see the old age of you. you at your best state. and it ended with what you enjoyed most, your biking. you left, leaving us with so much love and laughter, in exchange we are feeling the pain real deep inside. Not just mine, I'm feeling the pain of others too.

Everyone is trying to recall, when was the last time they saw you, how was your last moment with them, what was your last words to them, all that we can remember is... your SMILE. Thanks, your smile has soothe it all, relieve the grief and pain.

you have touched our lives in your own special way. you have made us a better person. Each and everyone of us. Thank you!

Bravo, friend.

a partner in life

Scene 1: Going through other people's fb, just to find out what they have been doing for the past years. How involve are we in their life and activities, or not at all. It has been interesting compared to own. How much others have explored and seen. Wonder why you do not make or get along so well with others and some people are just very good at it. Does it matters? Yes, it does. Its full of laughter and you wish that your love ones can enjoy it too. Laughter and excitement that you'll never be able to give him, so what can you do about it.

Scene 2: Reading other's blog too, and only to know how loving and caring one can be, the other side that you've not seen before. the soft and gentle side of you.

Scene 3: She came to me for advice or made me a listener to their complains. Others have their own problems too, just how big or serious. Hope my advice will changed things. Too bad I'm not in the position to care anymore but would like to share my thoughts at how things should be since our lives have changed so much and we live not just for ourselves anymore but for those we love.

my Boss

wanted to share with everyone about my boss "Just", but didn't have the guts to say it yesterday at the memorial service, afraid that I'll be like Jonathan, cry and couldn't say a word. So, I'll share it here.

I'm with Extol, for 5 years now. How we first met? An interview arranged by Kennard, at 9pm, in Sri Hartamas. at that time was thinking ehmm.... these two bosses (grace and just), so happening? or their schedule is so tight that they have to push it till 9pm and why outside the office? Later I found out is because they have to attend a partner's event there, so might as well make used of the time and venue for an informal interview.

Did a little back-ground reading of the company and management, so when I reached there, I already know that the big size guy is the CEO and the lady is Grace. This guy doesn't talk much but he always have these two frequent questions for all the interviews he conducted:1) why do you think you are suitable for this position? 2) and why extol? maybe to find out whether this person has the passion for what he/she gonna do and how much they know about Extol (whether the company is well known or not, or to find out whether he/she has done her research before the session...)

FYI, I applied for the position of senior account manager (to do sales). my answers to his questions 1) actually I don't like doing sales, but I started with it, so no choice???!!!!! 2) I don't know much about Extol, did a bit of reading before I come for this interview and since Kennard keep on saying how good and how good of this company, so I considered.

Wow, how they take it but surprisingly he hired me. WHY? Where on earth got bosses who would hire someone with such asnwers. Got - Justin Tan

Grace said they hire me because Kennard recommended me. I bet Just hired me is because he is curious to find out what's wrong with this woman.

The probation was for 6 months, but to my surprise they gave me an early comfirmation (at my 3rd/ 4th month with the company) because boss scared that I won't get to enjoy the FREE shares if I'm still not a confirmed staff. Where on earth got such a nice boss???? Got - Justin Tan.

At my 9th month with the company...Justin must be thinking "TRUE, this woman really doesn't like doing sales, there's not much result....nvm, we'll get her to do Marketing for us". This was when Helene left the company to return to Europe, that there's a vacancy for marketing position, and the company is starting it's listing exercise. He gave me the opportunity. The opportunity to explore what's within me....if it is not because of him, I wouldn't know that I've this little talent in me - design. Thanks to you, Justin Tan. You changed my life.

The entire listing exercise has allowed me to get to know him more. He was stressful during the listing time, with all the press interviews, underwriting ceremony, analyst briefing....and etc. Just, I'm actualy more stressed than you. Worried that you'll be late for the press interviews and events, you were nearly late on the actual listing day...worried what tie and suit you'll be wearing cause you don't seem to be able to match well...he once asked me "does my top matches my pants?" "boss, how can a brown blazer matches a blue pants?". I also worried that he didn't comb his hair, and didn't make his tie properly, and most worrying is the things that he might have said wrongly to the press.

Sometimes, he's just like a little boy...I remembered there was one time that the PR agency sounded him on the things he said and his gesture all, he was so sad with his head facing the ground, but I told him "Boss, you did well. Don't bother with what they say? you are just being yourself." Then he is all happy again with his smiley face :)

At one time when we have to rush for a press interview, we have an hour time to have our lunch before the interview, he keep on looking at his shoe and not eating his food, so I asked "Boss, what's wrong?" Justin said "the base of my shoe is torn and getting apart from my shoe." We were at Jaya in Sec 14, so I asked him to go buy a new pair, and you know what he said. "I can't, there's no Hush Puppies here.???!!! this is Justin Tan. So, he ended up walking to the interview by dragging the shoe base.

this is real funny that I got to share...there was one time when we were attending a partner's event in bangkok, it so happen there's a tailor shop at the hotel where we stayed. Grace and I accompany him to tailor made his suits, we asked the tailor for the price, and he said RM 300 -400 a suit, if not mistaken, just couldn't recall. Ok, measure him. Each measurement the tailor made, being it shoulder, chest, arm length, waist...he'll shout wow..Wow...WOW. Me and Grace just couldn't stop laughing....and Just dare to ask for more discount, but the tailor said...."no more discount, do you know that to make your suits, will need more material than other customers....." JUST just shy away. Real sorry Justin, for embarrassing you, but good stuff must share.

Sorry for the stress that I put you through, the talks you have to speak on, the events you got to attend, the press that you have to handled and etc...The only thing I did was to be there with you, so you don't feel like you are on your own battling it. Giving a talk in a hall of people is not easy, I hope my familiar face has helped and supported you.

He is a giving person. And only care for others, and not about himself. there was once, a client asked, "how old are you, Justin." he look at my direction, and looks blur. I said "Boss, you are 34 (in year 2006). then he asnwers the client "I'm 34." next the client asked, "when is your birthday?" He look at me again..."Boss, 12th June". then he repeated to same. See, this is Justin Tan, he remembers and care for other details but just forgot about himself.

I really enjoy those moments we shared. Sometimes we might think that this guy is not normal, he doesn't live a normal life like any other, he has his own thinking and at times I disagree with him, but come to think of it now, he's a man of wisdom. the things he said does make sense, it just that we don't see what he's able to see.

I miss his praise and those encouraging words he used to say to me. "Well done, Yan". Thanks boss, for recognising my work. I'll remember this always. I know that you do not like being called Boss, but I can't help it.

Next, your little nephew, Tristan. I know you love him very much, but you don't normally carry him or cuddle him. Is not that you don't like kids, you were just afraid that you might drop him. He'll remember the monster faces you do to scared him. Tristan loves you very much, uncle Justin. and we'll tell him stories of you and what a great uncle he had.

Take care ya, have a good holiday and ride safely ya. bye!

love always,
yan